Cliff ~ Author

Crazy Cliff LIVE! ©
        ~by Cliff Newman

Don’t just sit there…  I’m handicapped, HELP ME!

What are you looking at…  I’m walking, working 
[and talking]?!

How am I doing?
Better than you…  I have legs that come off!

You work hard and get your legs hot…  you’re stuck
with that.  My legs get hot…  I just pop ’em off and stick them in the refrigerator.

I’ll bet you can’t get your legs off as fast as I can!  But you should know,
I cheat…  I have quick release buttons.

You should be nice to me.  If not I might just jerk my legs off, throw them up in the air over my head and…  chase you around the parking lot!

Am I scary?
Well…  when my legs are off and I hover around like a crazy person defying the laws of physics…  sometimes people shudder in fear!

You do know there's really nothing wrong with my legs...  I wear these Prosthetic things just to make people feel sorry for me.

You laughing at me...  you think I’m funny looking?
Well…  from where I’m standing the whole bunch of you are funnier looking than me.  Not even one of you have detachable legs.

When I’m traveling and stop at a hotel…  before going in I just pop my legs off so I can get the under twelve-year-old discount.

Detachable legs are really great when thugs are trying to stuff you in a locker…  there is so much more space for breathing.

It’s fun to be in the checkout line at the super market and ask the clerk if they have any idea how much stuff I can hide in my legs?

WARNING!  If you try and hit me and at the last moment I jerk my leg up and you hit it…  you will hurt yourself.  You see…  these puppies are carbon fiber and stronger than steel.

One time on a Christmas morning on my way home from my newspaper route when no one else was on the road and I was just flying along in my car…  a Highway Patrolman stopped me and asked if I had a lead foot.  I said…  Oh no officer, my feet are carbon fiber and are stronger that steel which is way stronger and more powerful than any lead foot.

I am truly thankful for these prosthetic legs…  my lips were getting so tired.

I worked eleven at night till seven in the morning at 7-Eleven Stores for eleven thousand nights [that’s thirty years in English] and it was so hard because I had to tell all of the jokes because…  the armed robbers wouldn’t help.

You know I’m not done yet…  right?


Until the next time I put ink on paper,